To Breathe or Not To Breathe

During a normal year, I experience difficulties with my allergies in the spring, generally beginning somewhere in March and ending in June. Then, after the heat of the summer passes, but before the chill of winter sets in, I might experience some difficulties between September and November. Since I am a confirmed "fresh air" junkie, I keep these times in mind and I am usually able to prepare and get ahead of any problems that might arise, thanks to my good doctor.

Unfortunately, 2007 was most definitely NOT a normal year weather-wise, and 2008 seems to be starting out a bit wonky as well. Evidently "allergy season" has become a year round activity. Thus it is that I cannot quite get a grip on or get ahead of those pesky problems of itchy, watery eyes, drippy nose, scratchy throat, headaches and so on and so forth.

For those that don't have allergies, I say "Bless you" and hope that you don't get them as time passes. For those that do, well ... you have my sympathy.

Yesterday, I was asked the question ... "How do you know when you have allergies?" This amused me no end as I was standing there, talking with this individual, trying desperately not to sneeze in their face and praying I had tucked a kleenex somewhere on my person. How do I respond?

On the outside, I smiled and simply told the person a few basic symptoms and advised them to contact their doctor. On the inside, however, my brain immediately began plotting a list of the ways with my inner snark set to ON.

Here's what I came up with:

10 Ways to Know You Have Allergies

1) You find yourself wishing you could pop your eyeballs in and out, like the guy in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, because they itch so badly.

2) Wearing mascara means looking like a raccoon after the first hour of watery eyes. (No, waterproof mascara doesn't work for allergy eyes, only for taking showers or swimming. Trust me on this.)

3) You frequently find yourself wishing for stock in either Kleenex or Visine.

4) You wake up in the morning with a mouth so dry that you feel like you slept with a pair of white cotton socks in your mouth.

5) Sneezing is not a one time thing. You find yourself asking people to save their responses of "Gesundheit" until you are finished - usually after 5 or 6 sneezes in a row.

6) You decide to stop wearing make-up on your nose. What's the point? It comes off on the kleenex the first time you blow your nose and re-applying simply becomes wasteful.

7) You open the washer to find your load of black pants and shirts and find you now have black pants and shirts with white polka dots because you forgot to remove a tissue you had stashed in a pocket.

8) You find yourself wishing for a way to glue your contacts to your eyeballs because they keep popping out when you rub your itchy eyes.

9) You experience "morning sickness" and have to keep a supply of crackers available, not because you're pregnant but because you have allergy drainage that makes you nauseous.

10) You realize that breathing while inside the house is a standard feature. Breathing while you are outside the house is optional.