Hi! Remember Me? Well ... I'm Back.

Hmm. Checking the date of my last entry, I'm going to say that the phrase "I haven't been writing much lately" is a bit of an understatement. I've had thoughts and ideas ... I've made notes and started entries ... yet not really finished anything recently. I've actually been fussing at myself that I need to get back to it, however, as you can tell by the date of my last entry, that hadn't happened.

Then, this weekend, I went to the movies with my favorite Twinkles. After a couple weeks of anticpation, we went to see Julie & Julia. It's a wonderful, quirky movie that I thoroughly enjoyed. One of my favorite shows on PBS was always Julia Child's cooking show reruns and, although I love America's Test Kitchens, it's not the same. So I was delighted to see how remarkably well Meryl Streep portrayed the infamous chef. The quirk of her mouth, the riotous laughter, the stiff way she seemed to turn and acknowledge the world around her, not to mention her passion for good food and her forthright manner ... Ms. Streep had them down perfectly! Amy Adams portrayed Julie. I'm not familiar with her, nor have I read her book, although I have now added it to my Barnes & Noble wish list because I definitely want to. However, not being familiar with her character does not mean that I wasn't impressed and didn't enjoy her portrayal of a young married woman, unhappy with her lack of writing success ... her husband says she IS a writer ... she retorts that you aren't a writer if you aren't published. The end result is she begins to write a blog ... a blog about something she is passionate about ... cooking ... specifically GOOD, rich cooking such as Julia Childs wrote about in her cookbook. Julie sets herself a goal ... she will blog and cook her way through Julia's cookbook over the course of a year. By the end of the year, she had not only created everything in the cookbook, but she had also found herself.

I loved that.

Now, I'm not lost, nor am I depressed or feeling like a failure. But this movie struck a chord in me when Julie was not to be swayed from her blogging goals ... her writing.

I have let myself be swayed and I have missed it.

So, after giving it some though, I decided that I would once again take up blogging. I'm not guaranteeing an entry every single day, but I AM going to write atleast twice a week for atleast a year. The saying goes that you must do something consistently for a year before it becomes a habit. This is a habit I wish to cultivate, since writing is something I truly enjoy.

Therefore, I opted to begin today. It's September 1st. I felt it was a good day to start.

I also decided that I want to do this here, in my little blogger ramble room. It's where I originated and it's still the place I feel most comfortable. I miss writing for TVGuide.com and so I have moved my Supernatural writing (another area that has suffered that I am going to renew) to my livejournal address. If anyone is interested in it, let me know and I'll forward the address. I have a Facebook address and I enjoy it as well, but that is for quick jots and thoughts, and I want some place I can ... well ... ramble my thoughts. Some can be shorter than others, but most are definitely longer than Facebook gives room for, unless you write "a note" and I haven't gotten the hang of that or the comfort factor in it yet. And let's face it, I only Plurk because it's the place my Supernatural friends have migrated to and I would miss them too much if I didn't wander around in there occasionally but that is soooo not the place for long rambles. Twitter, well, it just scares me. I might check a page I know about, but me? tweet? *shakes head* yeah, I don't think so.

That brings me to here. This place. I created it long ago and maybe some have forgotten it's here, maybe not. But I'm gonna open it back up today ... air it out ... and re-establish it. I hope that someone will enjoy it, but if not ... that's okay too. My philosophy when I started was simply to be writing for myself. That is the pleasure of putting down thoughts. If someone were to read and enjoy as well ... well, that is just the hot fudge on top of the sundae.

So, this is me, getting re-started. Same person as before - just a bit older, which I don't mind. I love getting older. I refuse to get "old". Trust me. There IS a difference! I still have three girlies I'm passionate about, three nieces I love dearly, parents and brother and friends who love, support, annoy, and make life bearable, a car that brings me joy, and a job that drives me nuts and fulfills me at the same time. I still am a HUGE fan of the show Supernatural and Thursdays are still my favorite day of the week.

Now add to the mix the arrival of a small white ball of fluff named Chester and I am complete.

I'm back now. I guess, like Julie in the movie, this makes me sound a bit narcissistic. I don't mean to be, however, according to my book on writing, you should write about what you know. Well, I know me and I know my point of view on the world around me. So, that's where I'm going to get started. Who knows what may come of this or where it will lead? (Hopefully back to the book that I seriously did start a couple years ago that has been laying around collecting electronic dust in the folder on my computer, but I'm not jumping into the deep end just yet.)

I simply know that I've set myself a goal and I want to see it through. If you'd like to journey with me, then it's hot fudge sundaes on me (or whatever your favorite treat of choice)!

Thanks for stopping by. Please come again.

A Discussion Between Me, Myself, and I

I haven’t been writing lately. Oh … I’ve started several pieces. However nothing seems to be going very well. Nothing has been completed in the timely manner I wanted.

I’ll admit it’s made Me rather frustrated and unhappy.

I really enjoy writing. I find I am most at peace when I get an idea and put it into words. It is something that generally makes Me happy, sorting out thoughts, using words to paint pictures of feelings and experiences.

Therefore, when I am not writing, I don’t feel completely right and that leaves Me feeling rather out of sorts. I have learned that I don’t really like Me when that happens and I believe the fault for this usually lies within Myself.

After pondering the situation for a time, I decided that it would most likely help Me get to feeling better if I had a discussion with Myself. This is sometimes a good thing, but, then again, sometimes it isn’t. The discussions I have with Myself always tend to get a bit lively. I will admit that I am not always the most passive person when I find it necessary to have a conversation with Myself. It is usually because I find Myself unwilling to listen. It’s as though I find Myself not wanting to take responsibility for why I am not feeling good, or simply helping to get Me back on track towards being happier.

Therefore, I don’t enter into these conversations lightly. For some reason I can never seem to fathom, I always tend to make Myself a tad bit crazy. No matter how rational I try to be, listing the areas that need to be followed, I find myself balking … resisting listening to reason. It never fails I end up trying to bring the subject back up only to find myself pushing it further and further away.

When that happens, it generally falls to Me to sort out the finer points of the dialogue and bring it back into a semblance of rationality.

I won’t bore anyone with the complete details. The … ahem … discussion has been rather lengthy and time consuming, continuing on over the course of several days, making Me more than a bit distressed at times.

Bottom line, I told Myself that I was not happy with this empathy I felt Myself having towards the writing that I do.

I told Myself that not being able to write was making Me unhappy and something needed to be done … now.

I told Myself that I was holding Myself accountable for this inability and that it was time to get Myself together and get back to the business that makes Me smile.

Essentially, I argued, and bullied, and essentially painted Myself into a corner.

As you can imagine, this is never good. Whenever I find Myself painted into a corner, I find Myself lashing back.

Nope … not good at all, because in the end is it always Me that bears the brunt of it when I get Myself all worked up like that … when I try to make Myself take some responsibility.

For in the end … after I have shouted at Myself, forcing Myself to declare that I will never write again … it is up to Me … with tears in eyes and heavy heart … to plead with Myself to listen to what I am truly saying.

The writing that I do comes from deep within Myself and is ultimately written only for Me.

I had forgotten that.

The writing that I do only works to satisfy Me when I relax and allow Myself to enjoy the process … the search for the words to describe images and concepts that matter most to Me.

The writing that I do only works when I put away the deadlines that I impose upon Myself and understand that while I might require guidelines and structure for many areas of my life, I find Myself needing an atmosphere that is cozy and cheerful, a bit more loose-fitting, so to speak, for the writing to truly enfold Me and make Me feel able to convey ideas adequately.
It is only then that I find Myself writing and that is what makes Me very happy.

They Can Turn Me Off, But They Can't Shut Me Up!

You know it’s definitely a Monday when you wake up two hours early only to fall back to sleep just before the alarm actually goes off, causing you to hit the snooze button more times than you technically should and the only thing that keeps you from blithely sleeping away the morning is not the sense of duty to get up and go to work but the nagging knowledge that there is a child who needs to go to school (not WANTS, just NEEDS – there is a difference).

You know it’s definitely a Monday when you arrive to work after having a been off the previous Thursday and Friday and your residents decide to not recognize the fact that you were not here and expect you to be completely omniscient to their situations (and immediately have the solutions) the exact minute that you rush through the front door of the office six minutes late because of the previous waking up early/hitting the snooze button situation.

(It should be noted here that while YOUR arrival to work was late – the child was early getting to school. Go figure.)

You know it’s definitely a Monday when your computer advises you that it is unable to display your connected webpage – the webpage that includes all the work that you need access to for the current day, as well as to get caught up from the vacation days that you are now wondering why you felt the need to take them.

You know it’s definitely a Monday when you are forced to speak to a machine when calling your internet provider – a machine which does not seem to catch the snarkastic way you reply to it’s automatic questions, nor catches the snide comments made under your breath and which reaffirms to your soul that while these businesses may claim to be customer friendly but they are in fact not, for if they were customer friendly they would spend the minimum wage necessary to allow you to speak to an actual person who actually may know something.

Then again.

You know it’s definitely a Monday when you are finally allowed to speak directly to an actual person at the number you dial for your internet provider and you find that the person to whom you are speaking is in a different country altogether and you try desperately to remain polite, because you really need assistance getting back online, as you turn up your volume and listen as intently as possible and still have to have everything repeated at least three times in order to understand through the accent what is being said, all the while trying to figure out whether the other person is just a genius at understanding your accent or are they just getting lucky at their attempts in interpreting what you are trying to get assistance with or are they simply helping you with a problem which is not actually your problem.

(At this point, the vote could go in any direction, however the odds were heavy in favor of selection number three.)

You definitely know it’s a Monday when the physical person on the other end of your phone call to your internet service provider finally advises you that your number is a part of a “group outage” that began at approximately 9:47am causing you to snort with the insane laughter of one who is beginning to feel the slide over into the land of Insane Monday because you have been attempting to get onto the internet since 8:30am and it is now 10:12am and you were on hold and talking to animated voice machines from other countries for the last 36 minutes of your morning before you even had the opportunity to attempt to decipher the accent from the other end of the planet.

You definitely know it’s a Monday when the physical person on the other end of your phone call to your internet service provider advises you that the “group outage” is expected to be corrected by 2pm and, if it is not connected back up at the time that your day is two-thirds over and you've yet to accomplish anything remotely resembling catching up from last week's vacation days, to please give them a call back and allow them the opportunity to help you further which finally snaps the small modicum of control that you still had in your grasp as you snidely question aloud to the individual around the earth in another country who may or may not be understanding a bit of what you are trying to say the fact that that means that you will not be able to complete any work on your internet based programming, thus causing a standstill in your work production for another four hours and the physical person’s response becomes suspiciously similar to that of the animated voice machine you originally spoke with at the beginning of your phone call when they reply “that is correct however please call us back if your service is not connected after 2pm and thank you so much for calling AT&T and we look forward to continuing to help you in the future.”

Yeah. Right.

You definitely know it’s a Monday when you decide that they may take away your internet for a time but that doesn’t stop the words from coming. You just have to be more creative in getting them down and saving them until they can be posted.

And with the posting of the words, the frustration can be released.

And with the release of the frustration, harmony can be restored.

And with harmony restored, the rest of Monday can be faced.

And you know it’s definitely a Monday when you decide to relax and “go with the flow”, attempting to get other work done that is not internet based but your first post insane conversation with internet provider phone call is from an individual wishing to come visit your building, to see about an apartment for their elderly parent, that is hopelessly lost and needing assistance and they don’t seem to understand the straightforward, simple directions that you have given out for the last 9-1/2 years to everyone else that has been able to follow them without trouble and you finally try to assist by looking up where they think they are located in relation to where you are at that exact moment in order to perhaps give even more specific directions, only to find that they are sitting in the parking lot on the west side of the same church you share a parking lot with on the east side.

You know it’s definitely a Monday when all you can do is lay your head on your desk and laugh.

And laugh.

And laugh.

Oh ... btw ... the internet came back online at 1:22pm, signifying that I should continue to laugh and accept the small blessings. I'm going to need them.

Writer's Block or E.D.S. - You Decide

It's been awhile since I've written anything.

Seriously.

With the exception of a blogparty I threw on TVGuide on March 1st, and the subsequent "answers" post, I haven't posted anything new in over a month.

I can't give a really reason as to why ... it's not as though I've been sick, traveling, extremely busy at work, bailing water from my living room after flooding waters, or anything like that. Actually, I seem to write just fine as I make my way through those chaotic parts of my life. Were things too calm? Nope. That wasn't it either.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I think I came down with a case of "Writer's Block" and let me tell you, it sucks.

Totally.

I write all day long for work. What is so difficult about this? This should be easy ... it's personal. It's fun. There's no pressure and it's not like I don't get ideas all through the day ... I now have a folder and a notebook that I keep jotting little ideas down in, planning to write. I come home eager ... tonight will be the night I will break the block and get back to the business of putting thought to words in a co-herent and hopefully pleasing manner.

Car pulls into driveway and I'm out. Thoughts are rambling through my head. I'm ready.

Computer boots up while I check out the kitchen to forage for something edible to curb the appetite.

AVG runs it's scans, AIM tries unsuccessfully to log me in, and Messenger logs me in and tells me whether my friends are online and how much mail has accumulated during the day. Meanwhile, I'm in the back of the house not listening to my computer as I change my clothes and once again give praise for the comfort of sweats and t-shirts and try to locate a pair of socks that no longer have a hole in them.

Back to the computer, I close all these little informative windows and pull up the internet, checking email and responding to the messages that have come into my mailbox during the last couple hours. Then I check my "junk mail" in case something has been caught in my filters besides the various TVG playrooms, alerting me to the hi-jinx of the inmates who wander about there. When I open the junkmail to over 100 messages from these playrooms, all from the one day, I figure it wouldn't be a bad thing to run over and see what is now burning down, or being blasted by fireworks. (And if this sentence makes no sense whatsoever, I invite you over to my sanitarium at TVGuide. People laugh and think I'm kidding when I talk about my inmates and their mischief.)

Worn out from reading the insanity in my sanitarium, I feel the need to wander back to my kitchen and warm some water for a little pot of tea to calm my nerves, to help me compose myself to write.

Back I come to the computer with my grandmother's pot full of some evening tea. I'm ready. I have thoughts brimming. I am good to go.

Oh. Look. The remote. Is there something on television that I feel the need to watch? I better check ... heaven forbid I miss something. There might be a game show or a reality show that I need to flip the channel past. There might be an episode of David Caruso posing with hand on hip as he pulls off his sunglasses and utters "Ma'm ... Ma'm, here's what we're going to do, Ma'm" while the producers of this highly rated monstrosity let it spin off into yet another montage of speedboats and other actors wasting their talents by posing in ridiculously expensive clothing.

Nope. I'm not bitter about this waste of airtime being lauded and the fact that Supernatural has to fight for every fan it gains when it has more talent, good writing, and overall production quality in 10 minutes than the other show has in a month of episodes. Nope. Not bitter at all. Huh-uh.

What was I talking about?

Oh. Yeah. Writer's block.

Well, it's getting late but I'm in the mood to write. I'm wanting to write. I have words that are ready to burst out. I pull up a new sheet of Word, I begin to get started. I've typed a sentence. Woohoo! Oh, wait. That sentence isn't how I wanted to start this. I'm sure that I can do better.

Let me think on it.

Is that the book I was looking for last week sitting underneath the table by the couch?

It is! I've been looking for that. I wonder what happens next? Hmm. Maybe I could read for just a bit and then I'll be ready to do a bit of writing. Though not as much as I'd planned, but still ... a little is better than nothing, right?

... 2 hours later ...

Crap! I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago! But wait! I'm having an epiphany. Let me just get these dishes washed up and I'll just sacrifice some sleep and get this thought written down. Who messed up all these dishes? *sigh* I should go ahead and fix my lunch for tomorrow, otherwise I'll be running late in the morning again. Then I'm going to finish a bit of computer time.

Open up document again. Erase starting line. Compose another one. No ... that doesn't sound right. Maybe I'm just not in the right mood tonight. Guess I'll try again tomorrow night.

Writer's block.

I don't think I have writer's block. I have EDS ... Easily Distracted Syndrome.

Does anyone know if there's a medication for this? I'd contact my doctor about it, but I'm afraid she's going to want me to write down the symptoms and who knows where that could lead.