A Discussion Between Me, Myself, and I

I haven’t been writing lately. Oh … I’ve started several pieces. However nothing seems to be going very well. Nothing has been completed in the timely manner I wanted.

I’ll admit it’s made Me rather frustrated and unhappy.

I really enjoy writing. I find I am most at peace when I get an idea and put it into words. It is something that generally makes Me happy, sorting out thoughts, using words to paint pictures of feelings and experiences.

Therefore, when I am not writing, I don’t feel completely right and that leaves Me feeling rather out of sorts. I have learned that I don’t really like Me when that happens and I believe the fault for this usually lies within Myself.

After pondering the situation for a time, I decided that it would most likely help Me get to feeling better if I had a discussion with Myself. This is sometimes a good thing, but, then again, sometimes it isn’t. The discussions I have with Myself always tend to get a bit lively. I will admit that I am not always the most passive person when I find it necessary to have a conversation with Myself. It is usually because I find Myself unwilling to listen. It’s as though I find Myself not wanting to take responsibility for why I am not feeling good, or simply helping to get Me back on track towards being happier.

Therefore, I don’t enter into these conversations lightly. For some reason I can never seem to fathom, I always tend to make Myself a tad bit crazy. No matter how rational I try to be, listing the areas that need to be followed, I find myself balking … resisting listening to reason. It never fails I end up trying to bring the subject back up only to find myself pushing it further and further away.

When that happens, it generally falls to Me to sort out the finer points of the dialogue and bring it back into a semblance of rationality.

I won’t bore anyone with the complete details. The … ahem … discussion has been rather lengthy and time consuming, continuing on over the course of several days, making Me more than a bit distressed at times.

Bottom line, I told Myself that I was not happy with this empathy I felt Myself having towards the writing that I do.

I told Myself that not being able to write was making Me unhappy and something needed to be done … now.

I told Myself that I was holding Myself accountable for this inability and that it was time to get Myself together and get back to the business that makes Me smile.

Essentially, I argued, and bullied, and essentially painted Myself into a corner.

As you can imagine, this is never good. Whenever I find Myself painted into a corner, I find Myself lashing back.

Nope … not good at all, because in the end is it always Me that bears the brunt of it when I get Myself all worked up like that … when I try to make Myself take some responsibility.

For in the end … after I have shouted at Myself, forcing Myself to declare that I will never write again … it is up to Me … with tears in eyes and heavy heart … to plead with Myself to listen to what I am truly saying.

The writing that I do comes from deep within Myself and is ultimately written only for Me.

I had forgotten that.

The writing that I do only works to satisfy Me when I relax and allow Myself to enjoy the process … the search for the words to describe images and concepts that matter most to Me.

The writing that I do only works when I put away the deadlines that I impose upon Myself and understand that while I might require guidelines and structure for many areas of my life, I find Myself needing an atmosphere that is cozy and cheerful, a bit more loose-fitting, so to speak, for the writing to truly enfold Me and make Me feel able to convey ideas adequately.
It is only then that I find Myself writing and that is what makes Me very happy.

Three Way Conversations - Not What They Used To Be

Have you ever tried keeping up with three conversations at one time? It's a challenge, but it can be done. Seriously. Believe it or not, I can handle three verbal conversations at one time. It's not easy but after 12 years of 3 kids, you kinda get conditioned for it. I can generally follow the gist of what all three are trying to say - plus, I have the advantage of being face to face and can slow or stop one, two or all three and make them go one at a time.

I am also able to keep up/work through a multi child telephone conversation. A bit more of a challenge, but still ... it can be done.

However, I have a new challenge that I'm not sure I can surmount.

Cell phones.

A few years back I carried a cell phone for work. After a couple of years, it was deemed I didn't need one for work and I decided I didn't really need one for personal use. So I gave it up. That was about six years ago. At that point, cell phones were pretty basic - you placed and received phone calls. Some of the phones had some minor games on them and some extras such as calendars or calculators. But they were pretty basic.

Now they have evolved into something akin to a mini televison/radio/digital camera and ... oh ... yeah ... something to use to place or receive a call.

Or a text.

A what?

A text.

Is that like a school book? Something you use in school for learning history, biology, math, etc.? 'Cause that's what I recall when I referred to a text.

Nope. Texting ... the art of sending and receiving messages on a phone. I wouldn't necessarily call them written messages. Written messages include words found in the dictionary.

G2G - TTYL is not found in any dictionary I've ever used. (Oh ... translation for those text challenged: Got to go, talk to you later. Yeah. Took me a little bit too.)

So, last spring when I decided to get a cell phone, texting was not a high priority in my calling plan package. I seriously didn't think I would use it all that much. I forgot that I had a teenager with a cell phone and very limber thumbs.

This has been a challenge that I'm not sure I've really conquered yet. Although, I am learning and I'm getting faster. I don't have to send my pre-programed "What????" quick message to her nearly as often. Still - if I let her, she will get on a roll trying to have an entire conversation. For this, I don't really have patience. In the time it takes me to type out a brief message and send it, I could have dialed a phone, let it ring, talked for a few minutes and disconnected. So, after she sends three or four messages, I usually simply call her back and make her talk to me. It's not like we don't have free minutes - we do! Plus, I'm an old fogey. I LIKE hearing my kid's voice occasionally. Still, it's been nice to be able to keep up with her at odd and different times - particularly when she is traveling with her high school band - and I admit, I've done pretty good. I seem to be able to keep up with texting back and forth just fine.

That was then.

Last week, the twins had texting added to the cell phones they received for their birthday two months ago.

This is now.

Three kids all trying to have a texting conversation with me at the same time.

Frk me o, my thb's hrt!

(Freak me out, my thumbs hurt!)

Me, Myself And I Have A Talk

Sometimes it gets a bit crowded inside my head because there seem to be so many personalities dwelling there. Wait! Before you get worried about a “Sybil Complex”, there is an explanation that will hopefully make sense. You see, just as with many people, there are many personalities that make up who those of you who are reading this know as CindyRose (the blogger).

There are the primary Family two … Daughter and Sister. It depends upon the circumstances of the day, how strong they are and how much a part of my brain they occupy. However, make no mistake. These two personalities are ALWAYS around, never leaving. For they have been around since the beginning … well, the daughter part has been. The sister part came six years later, but that’s a blog for another day.

Another personality that comes under the heading of Family is that of Aunt. Although, due to circumstances, she doesn’t get to come out often, she relishes the time that she does for she is also one that is always around.

There is a personality that is laughingly called “The Cindy”. While this one is akin to family and therefore always around, this one is reserved especially for only three people to view and is also a blog for another day.

In addition to these there are also various others that shape and create who is viewed by the world around her … these others would generally fit under two categories – Friend or Co-worker and would also depend upon the viewpoint of the various people she encounters. Some simply call her Cindy, while others would call her Miss Cindy, and a few have called her “The Keeper”.

However there are three personalities that are not simply ALWAYS around … they are the basis, the foundation of the blogger called CindyRose. They are Me, Myself and I.

Last night I had to sit down and have a discussion with Myself concerning Me. A heart to heart talk, if you will. It didn’t start out very well. It began with this:

“You’ve not been taking very good care of Me lately,” I said to Myself.

You can see how this would not be a good beginning. I was upset with Myself and so was a bit testy. Perhaps I should explain.

I am the one who takes the responsibilities. I am the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the Cindy, the friend, the co-worker. I am the one to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or “I’ll do it”. I am the one who has to find the way for Myself to take care of the things she is reponsible for such as paying the bills, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making the meals, etc. I am the one who has to make certain that Me is taken care of by Myself. For I am the only one that can make this happen.

You see, I and Myself understand that the part that is Me is the part that needs constant care or she becomes sick or worn out or doesn’t get the things accomplished that keep the rest of us happy. It is Me that smiles when being greeted in the morning by a child’s soft smile and hug. It is Me that hurts so badly when a friend is troubled or in pain. It is Me that listens when someone needs to talk and it is Me that laughs at the silly stories or jokes of others. It is Me that is strengthened or wounded by words and/or actions from others and it is Me that takes the greatest pleasure in the enjoyment provided when I find a new book or a new story comes to Myself to be written.

So, you can see where I might be a bit upset with Myself for not taking good care of Me, can’t you?

However, as I talked, Myself jumped in and pointed out that she could not take all the responsibility for Me, that I am responsible as well. Back and forth the discussion went, with very little resolution, for, I admit, I was not willing to hear Myself talk. It wasn’t until we both took a moment and thought about Me distinctly and realized that she had just been sitting there listening and laughing to herself. You see she has always understood that it was a joint effort in taking care of each other. For the three of us … Me, Myself and I must all take care of each other, as one. Otherwise one of us will slip and take the rest of us down with them.

Although … as I was explaining this to Myself, a commercial came on the television and distracted Me and … well … let’s just go with the saying:

“It’s not a bad thing to talk to yourself and it’s not a bad thing when you question yourself. What is bad is when you don’t listen to yourself and therefore have to repeat it.”

When Eating and Talking at the Same Time

A couple of months ago, I took a vacation and wandered my way down to Austin, Texas. While I was there, I met a friend at this great little place for lunch. I decided to try something new, something different, so I had this specialty pizza. It was wonderful! A thin, crispy crust with a basil pesto sauce, artichokes, mushrooms, black olives and feta cheese. It was light. It was zesty but not harsh. It was simply enjoyable from the first bite to the last. Even after I started getting full, I couldn't quit picking at it and enjoying the taste of it.

Another thing that was wonderful about that meeting was the conversation. By meeting this friend, I was trying something new, something different, meeting this person for the first time. The time shared was wonderful! Our conversation was crisp, it never ceased, there was no awkward silences. It was light with fun and laughter. It was zesty with snark, yet not snide. It was simply enjoyable from the first moment to the very last. And even when it was time to part, we couldn't stop talking and enjoying each other's company.

Since I have been home, I have tried without success to recreate that pizza. I have tried versions of it from some of the national pizza chains (I REALLY don't recommend this! Even though there is feta cheese already on the pizza, they insist on covering it with enough mozzarella to fit two pizza boats.). I have tried a couple of local italian restaurants which were a bit better, but not much. I have tried making it myself at home, which yielded a bit better results, but still not quite right.

So ... here's my question that I'm pondering ... was this pizza really that good or was it the conversation? Was the pizza so much better because of the enjoyable conversation? Will I need to re-create the meeting with a friend in order to re-create the pizza?

Hmmm. Does this apply to other foods? I think I'm going to need to do some taste & talk testing. I'd better plan to visit some more new friends!